Hesitating, or shall we say, not fully allowing, or being open to accepting, to calling out, to seeking, to owning, expressing, is one of my biggest challenges. I find myself actively choosing to not go for something (even though it’s something I really want) and I deeply struggle with accepting myself with love and care and freedom of expression.
On the outside, as someone who just got up and left and travels freely around the world, it may be surprising! But we all struggle with hesitating. It’s natural, it’s instinctive. Perhaps we are considering something as a threat. Not necessarily life-threatening, but a threat to our self, our self-esteem, our appearance/status, our self-worth. It could be threatening our day to day life by demanding huge upheaval (moving to another country, changing career paths) or threatening in that it challenges us to change. Naturally, our body goes into ALERT ALERT ALERT mode.
What am I resisting?
I find myself hesitating over things that might make me anxious, such as eating out alone, having to speak in public, practising yoga on the beach (or anywhere public), meeting new people (especially dating) and writing here on the blog. While social anxiety is the main culprit, I hate how I choose to allow something which does harm while blocking things that would benefit me, impacting my self-love and self-confidence. Almost all of the actions I’m hesitating over involve feeling comfortable in my own skin (which I appear to be blocking or repressing).
And then, when the Universe throws me something I can work with, something that would make me face it and lead me to express or develop confidence, I’m still hesitating, resisting, refusing.
-Teachers/coaches keep coming into my life in various forms but I find myself hesitating to accept their services (some of which are free)
-I stumble across self-love courses and the like and sign up to them but hesitate to actually do it
– I join various support groups but then I forget about them
– I didn’t play Frisbee in the park with my friends because I worried I’d suck at it
– I have a friend here who loves playing guitar out in the streets or on the beach and invites me to join, a perfect opportunity for me to practice being seen but I constantly shy away
– A colleague got a bunch of women together one Saturday afternoon and invited me along to give a few tips on yoga since I’ve been practising for over 2 years, but I found myself purposely making myself late so I ‘couldn’t’ go
– While writing this a friend reached out to ask me to speak on television as a Brit living in the Canary Islands but I instantly felt afraid and replied HELL NO!
– I’ve read and re-read and edited and changed what I’m writing here hundreds of times and part of me has decided I won’t actually publish it. (But I will. Might. Will. Might…)
Hesitating has a lot to do with fears and insecurities.
The mind goes a bit manic pumping too many questions around which aren’t even useful. For me, it would be,
“What if you try to speak but the words don’t come out properly?”,
“What if people think you’re some kind of loaner or weirdo?”,
“What if people stare at you and laugh/ make negative judgements?”,
“What if he isn’t interested in you?” and on a more personal, intimate level, “What if you’re shit in bed?”,
“What if no-one reads what you have to write, or they don’t find it helpful, or it harms them in some way?”,
“What if you’re just not cut out to be a Yoga Teacher/ a writer/ a person who loves and accepts themselves?”.
Flooded with fear and insecurity, am I right?
None of them are based on truth or fact. All of them are worries which, in the grand scheme of things, aren’t even a BIG DEAL! That’s what irritates me the most. Hell, there are people who wake up and worry if they’ll get paid that day, or find any food, or don’t know if they or their loved one will survive the day. I am a product of my society, what can I say? People call you names. They don’t accept you. You get excluded. To be different to the norm is incredibly rebellious, and rebellion takes courage.
All of my hesitations also seem to focus on my self-expression, what I’m radiating out and what people see (or interpret) when they approach me. Why do I care what people think? Why does anyone? We all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are. If we’ve escaped years of neglect and exclusion, what sort of foundation are we approaching adult life on?
The barefoot and the crazy hair and the ones who get up and dance
When I see these beautiful people (and I mean beautiful in the sense they are completely at peace with themselves) I feel a mix of inspiration and envy. They run naked on the beach and sing and do cartwheels. They have fulfilling relationships, they’re sexually empowered, they trust their intuitions, they say what they mean, they’re not concerned with materialism or popularity or self-doubts of any kind. None of them subscribe to a ‘norm’ and yet they aren’t not-normal. People dream for a job, or money, or love, or stress-free lives, but honestly, I’m dreaming for the ability to express myself. To unlearn all my hesitations. To open myself up to possible negative reactions but simply not give a shit about them.
You know the weirdest thing is I don’t even dislike my body. I’d even go insofar as to say my body is pretty damn nice.
I’m just too wound up to actually allow it to flow and express and create and radiate and connect and shine.
Coming up with hesitations, and ‘what ifs’ is incredibly easy. Setting intentions, however, is incredibly easy to hesitate over. Am I seriously hesitating over my hesitation?! Ha, well, I’m certainly resisting inner growth and the idea that I could love myself. That I could run naked on the beach and sing and be sexually empowered and not give a shit if someone gets offended by my love for myself. My manic mind is hesitating to express intention since expression is the very thing I’m resisting or blocking, repressing. But if I can express even one little intention, then I’m actually already working on self-expression and therefore self-love and self-confidence.
An intention doesn’t have to be “I WILL EXPRESS MYSELF EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY”.
That’s hard work, that’s like, pro level. I’m going to start softly and gently today with,
“I am willing to seek out self-expression.”,
“I am willing to believe I can learn to express myself.”,
“I am willing to be open to the growth that is necessary”, and
“I am willing to be open to let go of insecurities, fear and self-doubt.”
I will remember that when I grow my self-confidence, I allow myself to shine. When I allow myself to shine, I am undoing years of darkness and begin healing. When I’m growing my self-confidence, shining brightly, undoing the darkness and healing, I am expressing more and more. When I’m expressing more and more, I allow my dreams and desires to exist. When I allow them to exist, they blossom freely.
Growing my self-confidence will lead to fulfillment and the life I want to create for myself.
Do you find yourself hesitating over decisions in your life, whether life-changing ones or the simple day-to-day ones? Are you hesitating out of a place of fear or self-doubt? Why are you fearful or self-doubting? Go backwards a little to propel yourself forwards. What are you willing to seek or believe in, or be open to? Can we start from within and with our thought processes in order to change our realities? Absolutely.
The light in me adores the light in you! Hope you feel the same.