Me, limitless possibility? Nope, can´t see it.
Can´t, or won´t?
I´ve come to realise that my constant procrastination, dread of getting up early and lazy sluggish attitude is my inner hesitation to own, call out and seek out my goals and desires. It´s wanting to be open to it and go for it, but just not allowing them to take shape. Not allowing the foundations to get set up and for the bud to blossom.
There are the excuses…. money.. now isn´t a good time… I would but… etc etc ETC. Excuses are resistance. What am I resisting and why?
Being completely honest here; I think I´m resisting even starting to make small changes to live the kind of life I want, and be the person I feel I was made to be, because I lack the self-confidence to be her. Am I afraid I can´t live up to her standards? Am I afraid of the change that is necessary to live the life I am excited about? That I won´t make the mark? That someone like me could never be someone successful and happy like her?
So something comes up- someone else to care for, something else to do, and I keep going through bad patches of illnesses (throat infection, UTI, colds, flu, muscle cramps) and the more I resist my dreams, the less confident I am in them, and more and more excuses are thrown my way.
What does it boil down to?
1. Feeling unworthy. (today’s post)
2. Feeling my intention or dream is silly. Far-fetched. Inconceivable. Above me.
3. Fear, fear, fear.
Negative thought pattern #1: I don´t deserve
Why might I feel unworthy to live the kind of life I want? It sounds mad. We only have one life, and it’s ours. Why shouldn´t I spend it doing exactly what I want, to my fullest potential? Other people shoot for the stars, why shouldn´t I?
There must be a part deep in my core that, maybe on some level… thinks I don´t deserve to?
Thinks that striving and struggling is what life is all about, at least for me?
Believes I´m weak… believes there´ll always be someone better so… why bother?
Who put those thoughts there? Why do I choose to allow and own these thoughts, giving them the creative energy to manifest- to become TRUE- instead of thoughts such as “I am limitless possibility” and “I am worthy”?
Lower Chakra stuff to work with here (Root Chakra: The right to be, Sacral Chakra: Deserving of pleasure)
What is keeping me from wanting to be here? Stopping me from taking up space? Why do I feel I need permission to take care of myself, and that permission keeps getting denied? What is the fear of standing on my own two feet?
Knowing that small changes, such as waking up earlier, building my yoga practice, reading my books on Ayuveda, life, spiritualism, healing, therapy, starting a home meditation practice and reviving my blog, WILL create something. It will stir the juices. It will plant seeds. It will wake up dormant parts of me. It will lead me to something new. Something different. It will make me face some things head on. It will make me heal. It terrifies me.
Always needing to heal and living a sleepy, average life, where my answer to “How are you?” is ALWAYS “Meh”, is the only life I know. When my partner says to me, ´Today is going to be a great day´, I´m kind of like “Yeah sure…”. Why should it be great? What´s so great about it?
I don´t even feel I deserve a great day.
The idea of saying “Today will be the best day” makes me feel embarrassed and silly.
How am I supposed to lead a great life if I won´t allow myself one single great day?!
This ties in with points number 2 and 3, which I´ll write in separate posts, but I´ll leave this now with some affirmations. I repeated these several times last night and this morning and I´ll keep repeating until I believe them. These affirmations touch wounds deep within me, but there´s nothing to fear. Everytime I feel like denying one of these affirmations, I gently remind myself; there is nothing to fear.
I deserve time.
I deserve peace.
I am worthy of stillness, balance and ease.
I want tranquillity, and I deserve it.
I deserve me. I am enough.
I am worthy of myself.
I deserve to be alive and to take up space.
I deserve to SHINE.
I am worthy of the morning, the sunrise and the day ahead.
I deserve the fresh, cool air.
I am worthy of my own love and affection.
I want and deserve gentle, soft starts to the day.
I want and deserve time with me.
I deserve to wake up with lightness, energy, ease, fulfilment, gratitude, love, joy and humour in my heart.
Next time you’re thinking about ‘what do I want?’ or ‘what are my intentions?’- don’t hesitate. Don´t resist your urges to wake up and live totally. Stop putting restrictions on yourself and remember the sun rises for you. The world is out there for you. Know that you deserve all of the joys in the world, and they´ll come to you. Let go of your identity as ´worthless´. It does not serve you. Stop believing that you are not enough. Smart enough, rich enough, experienced enough, know enough, have enough, are enough. See that every moment of life is a new beginning point to be your best.
What we believe, what we think about ourselves and our life WILL BECOME TRUE. You say, “I don´t deserve a fulfilling, healthy life.”, and The Universe replies, ´Ok! One unfulfilling, sick-ridden life coming right up´. You say, “I don´t have enough time for myself and I never will.”, the Universe says, ´Ok got it- no time for you ever. Anything else?´ And you go on and on and on.
Try saying, believing and acting on what you DO deserve, and watch the miricles unfold.
I completely support you-
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.”
~ Aldous Huxley, Island